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Need advice because I don't have no one else to help me.

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by AdolfPatler88, Jan 23, 2012.

  1. AdolfPatler88

    AdolfPatler88Member Forum Member


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    Jan 18, 2012
     United States
    Well this is going to be a weird post, but I'm so upset and hurt that I needed to articulate my feelings somehow. Well I had a women over and we we're hanging out and having a good time when all of the sudden I hear banging of dishes and slaming of doors coming from the kitchen. Then My women friend looked at me with a puzzled look on her face and she says me "is that your mom" "is she pissed that I'm over here?" I turn to her and said "No no, don't worry about it " But I knew she was on one of her rampages, and it all had to do with me. Then I hear even louder noise and mumbled curse words. My friend looked even more worried and by this time we had the Win Mx jams turned down completely. I looked at my friend with the best reinsurance face I had in the book. I said "Hold up, I'm going to check it out and talk to her." Well I went out into the kitchen, and looked towards her direction. The look on her face was that of pure rage and disgust. I knew right then and there she was going to unload on me, which she pretty much always does everytime I do anything that disrupts her negative, self loathing, hatefull, goraphobic, hypochondriasis psycho routine she has in life. I started to say something to her, and before I got a word out she leans over the kitchen counter and yells "I don't want street people at my fucking house" Then she turns to me and says "Patrick I don't want street people at my house" I was pissed and embrassed by this bullshit, so I yelled back "What the fuck Mom I'm a grown man, and my friend is not going anywhere " My friend isnt even homeless her car is outside. And even if she was a homeless person what the fuck does it matter right? I'm a grown ass man who pays around here to. Then my mom starts going off about how I don't help enough and she doesn't want dirty ass people in her apartment. Then the nerve she starts going off about how I'm always gone late at night, running around all night on the streets..Pfft I'm not a fucking kid anymore. So I yell right back with "fuck this I need to move"," I can't do this anymore." Then she drops the bombshell on me that really hurt me and humiliated me infront of my guest. "Fuck you, your just a doper" "You can get the fuck out" I replyed "I don't use that shit no more,and what fuck mom" Then the final straw was when she very loudly yells. "And what the fuck is wrong with your friend in there? Why the fuck hasn't she left knowing I'm pissed?" I didn't know what say. So I just started yelling back and shit got stupid and then she drops shit on me like I'm the reason her life is fucked up and the reason she couldn't see my grandmother enough before she pased, because I was the one that used her car last when the head gasket blew. She makes me feel so terrible and like such a burden on her. It just sucks because last year I had a home, women, I have a two year old. I had my own life and family, And in the same year I lost it all to because of a heroine addiction. I ended up on the streets for two and half months. I ended geting sepsis and I was hospitalized and the way down there to the bigger hospital I coded. So after that I really tryed to get off the smack and I did. It was hell but I made it. So my mother took me in and gave me a room in her small apartment. I'm gratful to be where I'm at, beats sleeping on park benches and roaming streets for hours on end. And I know she's doing this even know she doesn't have to or want to. But damn sometimes I want to live life and hang with friends. No matter where I'm at. But if I do that, I'm disrespecting her, and then all sudden I ruined her whole entire life. And if I don't comply she doesn't let me have my two year old over. Or she calls the cops. Our relationship is total toxic waste. What should I do? I don't want to have my third nervous breakdown because of her. Pfft if she thinks I'm a doper I might as well be one.
     

  2. Danarchy

    DanarchyExperienced Member Experienced member Forum Member


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    Jan 16, 2012
     Canada
    Re: Need advice because I don't have noone else to help me.

    Wow, you and your mom have some serious disfunction. There appear to be a multitude of issues, problems and underlying context but the responsibility is yours if you choose to rebuild the fragmented relationship. You may not want to here all of this but as a parent, the victim of addiction and a caring individual.

    Stay the fuck away from the junk. Just because your mom thinks your a junkie is NO reason to drop into dispair and become one. It appears that junk has already done significant damage to your life, you are not alone. I and probably everyone on this site has been affected by smack in one way or another. I have lost several friends, I have been through the dispair of helping them kick and fighting for their life and lost, I garauntee that you mom is feeling that way. Don't let her lose, you are too valuable, fuck man, you're a dad.

    Respect what she has to say. Even though you may contribute to the bills, housework, etc. there are issues that go beyond the here and now. Imagine how she has suffered, the loss of trust, her feelings of failure (where did she go wrong) try to empathise even if she is being unreasonable, I am sure that you have been unreasonable at times as well. For the time being, keep your friends out, respect her boundries. I know that it sucks but if you explain the situation, that you've had difficulties and your trying to rebuild your relationship, your friends will understand.

    Keep your cool. When you mom gets freaked, just say "I'm sorry your feeling this way, I love you and I'm sorry. I'll go out for a bit until we can cool off and work this out". Your mom is hurt and is having problems dealing with her fear, anger, guilt, etc; what she says in anger is defensive, respect that.

    If you can, get your mom some help. Junk doesn't just hurt you, it hurts everyone around you. Get yourself into councilling and get her to come. Show her that you are working things out. She needs to get help dealing with her emotions, sounds like she has issues that she is putting on you as well as dealing with your addiction.

    Finally, get yourself a safe place, an all night coffee shop or whatever, away from your mom and junk that you can escape to. Get a picture of your kid, and look at them for strength. Keep your shit cleaned up for them, they need a Dad.
     
  3. Derek Danger

    Derek DangerExperienced Member Experienced member Forum Member


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    Jan 29, 2010
     
    Sounds like your mom has been pretty cool taking you the hell in and is worried as fuck that you're gonna throw it all away again. I get where she's coming from. Considering that most of us smelly punk kids kind of look alike to parents anyway, I guess she probably sees your crowd as a danger to your sobriety. Given her experience, that's pretty reasonable.

    It sounds like you like to just hang with your friends a whole lot. Maybe that's the root of another problem, too. Have you been spending much quality time with your ma? I'm sure she'd love it if you'd hang out with her and just do some boring mom shit every now and again. It may not excite you, but it'll bring you closer and show her that you're not some crazy vagabond who's likely to drag her down into the gutter.

    You say her place is "small", too. Maybe it "ain't big enough for the two of you" if you catch my drift. Try and keep the stinkier, punkier away from her; I'm not a fan of this concept, but it's "her house" as far as she's concerned, and you're making it feel like less of a safe space to her by bringing in people she doesn't feel comfortable sharing her space with. I know when I lived in somebody else's small flat I used to ask permission before bringing people over, because I didn't want her to feel like I was inviting people to invade her space. I brought over some people neither of us knew very well one day and she felt like throwing them out, because it made her feel unsafe. Pretty reasonable.

    I guess the advice I have is this.

    Either:
    *Relax your social life a bit, and make sure to ask before bringing people your mother doesn't know into her house.
    OR
    *Do more with your mother to foster a stronger relationship and show her there's more to you than just hanging with friends.
    OR
    *Move out of there and give her her home back; she did a good thing for you, dude, and you're complaining about her hospitality like you're somehow entitled. My mom always let it be known that if I fucked up on smack, it's one of the few circumstances where she'd let me sort it out for my own stupid self. You're a very lucky young man.
     
  4. Ivanovich

    IvanovichExperienced Member Experienced member Forum Member


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    Jan 31, 2010
     
    You should move out.
     
  5. iflewoverthecuckoosnest

    iflewoverthecuckoosnestActive Member Forum Member


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    Jul 20, 2010
     
    :/ Sounds like a difficult situation. The aftermath of your addiction may be difficult to deal with, but remember that it's going to take some time to regain the trust you once had with some of your loved ones. Is she judgmental? Very. Just remember that this has hurt her terribly. You weren't the only victim of your addiction. But the fact of the matter is that returning to your past lifestyle as a heroine addict is only going to ruin what you have managed rebuild. Don't let your mistakes and distrusting family members drag you down forever. Instead spend time proving to her how you've changed, letting her know that she can trust you again. Try opening up better communication her. Come to her at a time when you're both fairly calm and tell her how you realize how much pain this must have caused her, but that this has also been difficult for you, that you care about her and appreciate all that she has done for you, but that you need emotional support right now so that you can get back on your feet. As Danarchy said, it's obvious that you two have a lot of dysfunction, and there are subtle emotional nuances present that cannot possibly be communicated via an internet forum. Good luck and stay strong ;)
     
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