Jokes

Which reminds me ;

"Doctor , doctor...........

............people keep ignoring me ."

"next"


................i think i'm a pair of curtains."

"Pull yourself together , man "


........"i've got a strawberry coming out of my arse !!!!"

"I'll give you some cream for it"


............everyone thinks i tell lies"

"i find that very hard to believe ."


............I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse."
"How's that?"
"Don't you f***ing start!"


.......... I keep losing my memory"

"When did this start happening"

"When did what start happening"


.....When i wake up in the morning I can't stop singing the songs the "Green Green Grass of home" and "Delilah."

" You have Tom Jones Syndrome"

"is it common"

"It's not unusual"


". . . I feel like a deck of cards"

"Sit down, I'll deal with you later"


................... i think i'm losing my hearing"

"Can you describe the symptoms ?"

"Well, Bart has yellow spikey hair and Homer's a big fat bastard"


...... I think I'm shrinking'


'Well, you'll just have to be a little patient.'



...I keep dreaming of hobbits, wizards, dragons and rings. What's wrong with me?

Ah, I see the problem, you're Tolkein in your sleep"


....................will this ointment clear up my spots?"
"I never make rash promises!"

Icould go on...........this is all your fault Vegetarian Barbarian !!!

 

Guy walks into the doctor's office and shouts: I FUCKED YOUR MOM
Doctor looks up and sighs: not now dad... I'm working.

Guy walks up to the doctor after opening the door.
Doctor looks up and says: not now... I'm trying to take a shit here.

 

Guy walks into the doctor's office and shouts: I FUCKED YOUR MOM
Doctor looks up and sighs: not now dad... I'm working.

 

HIM
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

 

Fred answers the door and two coppers are standing there

Mr. Brown we have bad news, good news and great news

What's the bad news?

Your wife's body has just been brought up from the ocean floor

What's the good news?

She had 8 large lobsters, 22 crabs and other fish attached to her body and we have decided you should share in the profits

So what's the great news?

We are going to bring her up again tomorrow

 

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£ 25

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '£ 125

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £ 150

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

 

Guy watches football (footie, soccer whatever) with his wife, when she suddenly exclaims: why don't they pass to the guy in black... he's always open!

 

Q: How does a Crimethinc kid change a lightbulb?

A: First, we pranced silently through the night as we evaded the police. We made our way down a dreary alley and came across a dumpster full of bagels. Taking the excess of the bagels, we used them for fertilizer on the garden that spontaneously started growing from the near-by abandoned lot. The sky was becoming lighter as we exit the Home Depot- lightbulbs in our pockets. I hoisted my partner to the light bulb socket; she then inserted the lightbulb as the sun broke the horizon. I knew at that moment, we had changed more than a lightbulb- we had changed ourselves.

 

How many punks does it take to change a light-bulb?

20: 1 to screw it in, 1 to hold the ladder and 18 on the guest list.

 

This joke is intended to be more of a tool or archive than a virtual lounge—in no way should these sterile electronic texts, so easily summoned on your computer screen, replace the actual, tangible publications in which they entered the world. Nothing can replace the feel of the paper against your fingers, the ink soaked up by paper, the sensation of turning a page with the wind rustling your hair, or the deliberate and intricate presentation of images and text that you can only get in the real world, on real pages. And few things can be as torturous as sitting in front of a computer screen for hours on end.

sorry could help but jump in on the crimethinc joke-fest q:
note: that paragraph was actually taken from crimethinc's website

 

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

 

ok , here's this one . I was told the following is a 'racist' joke.I don't think it is, if anything it's an anti- copper (police) joke.Appreciate comments either way .Not gonna write it as i received it , with the dreaded N word. Would that've made a differnce ?

Policeman walking along the road , stops , sees a black dude jumping on a car roof.
He decides to call for help.
"Back up required , there's a darkie dancing on a car roof '.
"WHAT !!!!!!!!!!!! You can't use language like that over the airways.Use political correct terminology, man "
"..........em..............Zulu, tango, sierra................"


?

 

There are 2 policemen outside a pub, with a dog in between.
Suddenly some guy comes out of the pub, checks the belly of the dog and goes back inside shrugging.
The policemen just look at each other and decide to let it go.
Then another guy comes out and does the same.
Again the policemen decide to let it go.
Then a third guy comes out and does the same.
So the cops stop 'im.
The dude's obviously drunk when they ask him what he's doing.
'Well someone inside said there's a dog outside with 2 dicks.'

 

A lion would never cheat but a Tiger wood...

 

When i was a kid you could go to the shops with 50p.
You could get a Wham Bar , a bag of pick and mix , a fizzy drink , a comic ,a big bag of crisps and a gob stopper AND still come home with loads of change.
Cant do that these days,
Why?





fucking CCTV ...............

 

Peter Sutcliffe may be released from Broadmoor soon .
After 30 yrs without a shag , bet he can't wait to give a prostitute a right good hammering !!!






Police are looking for a man who has , so far , stabbed 6 people to death with knitting needles all in the same area. The Police believe he seems to be following some sort of pattern .

 

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.
It's called the iRon.

Opinions are like orgasms.
Mines more important and I don't care if she has one........


Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause Dyslexia.
Howeevr,tihs is in etxreem caess of slef aubse .

 

Was walking past Ian MacKaye's garden the other day and I couldn't help but notice that he has [a] straight-hedge.