Jokes

A midget wants into a pub and walks up to the bar, unable to watch over. So he jumps up and down shouting 'I want a beer please.'
He gets no reply, so he walks behind the bar to see if there's anyone there. He sees another midget jumping up and down: 'would that be a draught or a bottle?"
----
Dude sits in the pub and decides to go home. So he stands up from his stool and falls on the floor, painstakingly he gets back on it again and tells the bartender: 'Fine, I'll have another one, then.'
When he finishes that beer he tries standing up again and fails. So once more he gets back up on his stool and orders another beer. This repeats a couple of times, but he eventually gets home safely.
His wife wakes him up the next morning: 'were you drunk again last night?'
'No' the man tries to lie through his hangover.
'Well how come your wheelchair is still outside the pub, then?'

 

hey blacknred, chill on the racist / racial sterotype jokes. they are innapropriate on this site.

 

such as ?

 

hopefully these wont offend !!!!
Just finished my first day at KwikFit and I'm tired and exhausted!

 

I went to the butchers today to buy half a rabbit for my tea. B*stard wouldnt let me though, he didn't want to split hairs.

 

Doctor tells his elderly patient. "It's bad news I'm afraid. The tests show that you have high blood pressure and Altziemer's Disease."
Old chap replies "That's not so bad. At least I've not got Altziemer's."

 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think it could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

Worldwide Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant !!

 

Now there is a question you do not get too often... A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust... The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

 

Just found out you can have great sex at 56 ....................


....................Which is great , i live at 28 and it's just a couple of doors up ..

 

A bear and a rabbit are both taking a crap in a field. The bears says to the rabbit " do you know when you are taking a crap, does the sh*t ever stick to your fur". The rabbit replies " no that never happens to me".


So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his hole with him.

 

There are 3 types of people in the world: those than can count and those that can't.

 

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? ONE ALRIGHT!

 

Louis and Joyce were making passionate love in Louis's mini van when suddenly Joyce, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Louis, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Joyce until they both collapses in ecstasy.

About a week later, Joyce notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Joyce, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Louis (let alone that she allowed the kinky b*stard to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen !!

 

Donald Duck on a dirty weekend rings reception asking for condoms.

Receptionist says. "Shall I put them on your bill?"

"Don't be thukin thupid I'd thuffocate!"......

 

I got a new job working for the samaritans, iv'e just tried to phone in sick and the bastards talked me out of it !

 

blacknred write your jokes in one post!!!

 

Yes please.

 

Ok , but what difference does it make ?

 

can we cut out the punk jokes? IM REALLY OFFENDED

So a guy walks into his psychiatrist's office wrapped in celafane wrap. And the psychiatrist goes... WELL I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOUR NUTS!!!