In dubio is a Dutch expression meaning something along the lines of wondering about stuff or trying to decide for or against on a situation. This sums me up quite perfectly right now. I don't even know if I really want to share or if I actually want a reaction, but right now this seems like the right thing to do, to get it off my chest. Quick recap of last week for me. Wednesday I get my first pay check and repay a friend (who bought quite a bit of tobacco for me, by giving him 50 bucks worth of tobacco back, also repaid my parents who I borrowed money off of to go drinking [20 bucks for drinking + 100 bucks for checks]); Thursday I take out 100 bucks to buy coke, weed, hashish, tobacco, space-cake and booze; Friday I decide to get another 50 bucks worth of coke and get another 50 bucks for beer that night; Friday I ran out of coke and booze-money, also got some more space-cake, spent 175 bucks on booze and coke; Sunday I was royally fucked in the head and completely detached from reality due to, what I usually call, a coke-hangover. I went through 3 slices of space-cake, 4 grams of coke, 3 packs of tobacco and a few crates of beer. Now I'm starting to wonder why I even spend that much on all that shit. Sure, it makes me feel good... for a short while, but in the end it fucks my body up, destroys my bank account and pisses the people closest to me off (a sarcastic sense of humour + coke = shitty me). Then the following week I feel shitty for spending half my fucking salary in 4 days. Add to that the damage I do to myself, whilst I promised my best friend I wouldn't kill myself and you have one very confused me. It starts to feel like a slowed-down suicide, I mean I went through 2-2.5 grams of coke on Saturday ALONE. I'm writing a story called 'Dagboek van een Junk' which is about my own and my friends' experiences with drugs... I'm starting to feel like if I wrote down what I did last weekend it would be a best-seller anyway and I could call it non-fiction to boot. I'm not really sure what the hell all this means, nor do I know what the fuck I'm going to do next, but it kind of feels really good to get it off my chest, even though I've probably gone through a dozen incarnations of the above in my head and it still came out different. Hell, as I said, I don't even know if I WANT a reply.
Well , you're not sure weather you want an answer well here is an atypical answer... I never had the self destructive bit in me, sure I drink considerably more than I should, but rarely do I get the urge to get really wasted, it's just when I am enjoying myself it's sometimes hard to know when to stop, but sometimes it's rather obvious when to quit. I've met quite a few self destructive people over the years, some were into punk some were not. Tried to help some but never really felt like I was doing the right thing. Some would find a stable relationship and loose their suicidal urge, but that would last as long as the relationship was hunky dory. Some got brainwashed... But none were cured by other people because their drive was in essence internal not external... My views on suicide may be a little strange. Albert Camus once wrote that the question isn't weather the suicide is good or not, but weather the life is worth living or not. It's something very similar to my own thoughts on the subject. Sometimes people just come to a point where it's better to end it all than go on... There is such a term as passive suicide and having been witness to it before I can tell that it's far better to end it quickly or go in a different direction. My opinion is that it's just a lack of cojones. Also, I've never tried coke but people who's opinion I value say it's a bad boooooring drug... I'm not gonna give some instant solution, but just tell you to reconsider what do you think is worth doing...
Dude, that drug issue of yours is a sink hole. You do know that you could have got better things or even saved up for something with that cash you used up, you're slowly killing yourself for no specific reason other than feeling happy for a few hours. If you keep on going that way, you won't even finish that story of yours. The money you're spending could be used for better alternatives like anti-governmental-informative fliers, better food, water, a TV, a car, and probably an apartment if you save up enough. Drugs are a waste, too costly.
Your 23, strong, young and full of life. Your new job is giving you some financial freedom which you've either never had or havn't had for a long time. Of all the drugs you could choose to recreate with, cocaine is a money and health killer. You chase the Euphoria with more and more slowly building a tolerance which requires more and more with less results. It is insidious in its nature. Can you imagine if you'd taken that much methamphetamine instead? Crack or hypodermic intake could be down the road for you if you don't listen to your inner voice. You obviously feel a great need to blow off some steam on your days off but you need to realize if you feel compelled to write about it, its because it bothered you on a deeper level than just financially. It will eat your talent and your life up Rathryn and that would be tragic.
Rathryn, this is how i would respond if a friend or person I knew in the 'real world' was to tell me what you just did. I would say that what was described is beyond moderation, and that it sounds like they have a problem, which may be more then just an addiction, if they need that much substance to 'feel good', then it sounds like there is a depression issue as well. I would say that they will never progress financially, emotionally, or maturity wise if that is how they spend thier money and time. Also i would remind them how hard it would be to be active in the anarcho scene, and that having that much garbage on them would just be one thing more for the cops to bust them for (i realize in Holland the laws are different and such, but here in the states having that much coke weed and hash would probably be at least a few months of jail time, or probabtion and mandatory counseling.) If it was someone I knew, i would think they had a problem. I would be very concerned and worried about that person.
dude u r my pal and although i haven't been hanging out with you for too long i have started to really see you as one of my best friends in a long time and i really think you should just quit the coke man last friday at my show you were different man we had a good long talk but i really think you're fucking yourself up slowly and i'd hate to be a witness of that so that is how i feel about it and i hope some people here would agree and especially that you agree with me man so c u ltr grtz bryan
Thanks for the responses, for the umpteenth time I've gone through this routine. Day 1: decide to quit ALL drugs, including smoking and drinking, beginning of day 2: well... maybe I can smoke and drink under certain circumstances, end of day 2: I'm not going to quit drinking and smoking. And yes, there are quite a few underlying issues, a short summary would be: ex-inferiority complex (which I'm trying to crawl out of), unresolved issues with myself and my dead best friend, ADHD with autistic tendencies. This does actually mean a lot to me, simply knowing that people I've never met before care enough to tell me to quit and not throw my life away, well excluding Bryan then. Also ASA, it's not so much a hate, as it is a dislike for most of your actions, I do not hate you PERSONALLY, simply some of the things that you do.
ya dude i had the same problem im a drug addict/alcoholic im in AA/NA for it but i really doubt any body hear besides me is down to do something like that but your not gonna sober up on your own if your anything like me there wear times i wanted to but dint anyways just to escape my problems id go use and the problems would only get worse don't know if i helped any at all at least try and get sober on your own drinking and smoking ant to bad but for me that all-ways lead me back to doing the other drugs i liked hate to see you go threw the stuff i did and i mean im only 16 and i sall alot of what 35 year old crack heads go threw i don't know im just rambling but i do care about you in fact i wish i could hang out with alot of the people on hear including you
been there, done that... a big part of why i believe in god actually, (or a higher power as they phrase it) though the programs aren't for everyone. They are cool places to meet people nonetheless.
