Jokes

Heres some more pics courtesy of Failblog

 

HAHAHA!!!

 

Cardiologist's Funeral


A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.
The vicar fainted.




I was caught by the police last night in a field fucking a cow. The officer asked me to put my boxers back on, I was so embarrassed...

They were Dennis The Menace boxers.



I was walking past the mental hospital the other day...

... all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.



Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...



Jesus Christ walk into a hotel on Easter Sunday, chucks three large nails on the hotel reception counter and says 'Can you put me up for the night'!




A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you,too

 

Why do Anarchists like fruit infusions?
-because all proper tea is theft.

 

Condom factory burns down in ENGLAND:

Rt Hon Andy Burnham MP MINISTER FOR HEALTH is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!! I've just
received word that the Durex factory in Liverpool has burned to the
ground. It is estimated that the entire English supply of condoms will
be gone by the end of the week.

Rt Hon Andy Burnham MP: Shit !! The economy will never be able to
cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined.

We're going to have to ship some in from France ?

Bad idea The frogs will have a field day on this one.

junior Minister: What about Scotland?

Rt Hon Andy Burnham MP: I'll call Alex Salmond. Tell him we need five
million condoms, ten inches long and eight inches thick.

That way they'll continue to respect the english

Three days later a delighted Andy Burnham MP runs out to open the boxes
that arrived at the Post Office. He finds five million condoms. 10
inches long, 8 inches thick, all coloured blue and white with small
writing on each one.



MADE IN SCOTLAND - SIZE: MEDIUM

 

ok so i skimed the last few pages and I don't think it's here.... anyway when I saw The Max Levine Ensemble a few months back during some technical difficulties Spoonboy spent the timetelling a few jokes, I can't remember most of them but I think they were pretty funny and this one's always a knee slapper whenever I tell it to any body, pretty versitile too.......

What's the difference between a cheeseburger and poopy pants? ...you know where this is going...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't have a cheeseburger..........

yeah, i'm not great with jokes, most ofmy humor is usually more referential, but i try..... and fail.....

 

I went down on my girlfriends mother yesterday.
Got my tongue stud caught in her pierced genitalia,
I panicked , i was in a right old flap !!!

 

a man comes at the doctor and says doctor my arm hurts like hell can you look at it so the doctor says come back tomorrow with a cup of urine the man comes back the next day gives the cup of urine to the doctor the doctor takes the cup and drinks it all!! and says: i know what your problem is sir you have a "tennis elbow" here's a prescription come back in two weeks with another cup of urine so the man think i'm gonna fuck him up two weeks later he makes his wife pee in the cup takes motor oil from his car puts it in jerks off and cums in the cup so he gets at the doctor and the same thing the doctor drinks the cup and says: i know what your problem is your wife's pregnant your car needs an oil change and if you keep jerking off you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow

 

IF you've sold stolen bike parts for beer money....
you might be an anarcho-punk...

(For real)

 

Lady in labour, shouting the usual lines:
"Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!"
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"


He casually replies: "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, ’fuck off it’ll be too painful.’"

 

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are caught drunk in Saudi Arabia and are dragged before the Sultan. Angrily the Sultan tells them

“Although the penalty is usually death for such a heinous act, today is a day of the celebration of honesty so I will spare your lives. Instead I will give you 20 lashes from our most horrible whip. Yet I still feel sympathy for you on this holy day so I will give you each one item to strap to your back.”

The Irishman thinks about it and chooses a pillow. They lead him to the post, tie a pillow to his back and start whipping away. After 5 whips the pillow bursts and the Irishman takes 15 whips on his back.

The Englishman steps forward and chooses the lid from a barrel. 10 whips and the barrel lid smashes and he receives 10 whips to his back.

The Scotsman steps forward to the Sultan and says “Oh mighty Sultan, as today is a day of honesty I have to tell the truth. I drank the most out of all of my friends and it was my idea to drink in this country. It is I who should receive the most whips.”

The Sultan smiles and says “My friend this is truly a moment of heroic proportions from you. I will however have to increase your punishment to 100 lashes from the whip. I will still let you choose something to be tied to your back however”

“Thank you Sultan, I choose the Englishman”

 

what do u call an anorexic with a yeast infection?















A quarter-pounder with cheese.

 

What do you call it when the newspaper smashes through your front window in the morning?










Breaking News!

 

Just bought a wig made out of bumhole hair but it keeps fucking blowing off.

 

i've got two...

how many crusties does it take to screw in a light bulb?


zero: the only thing crusties screw in is vomit


and...

One day a CEO walked into the executive suite bar on the top floor of a major corporate office building, sits down and orders the most expensive drink he can. it arrives to him in a golden martini glass. as he's sipping it, a man sits next to him and orders a PBR. it arrives to him in a plastic cup. the CEO scoffs at the man for drinking such a shitty beer. the man turns to him and says "oh but haven't you heard? PBR is magic!". the CEO laughs at this. the man then finishes his beer, stands up and jumps out the window. astonished the CEO runs to the window, only to see the man flying laps around the office building. he does several loop-de-loops and barrel rolls and then flies back through the window and lands in his seat. The CEO stares in disbelief for a bits then runs up to the bartender. "ONE PBR IN A PLASTIC CUP!". The bartender gives him his drink and the CEO chugs it down in 15 seconds flat. he then runs to the window, jumps out and immediately plummets 30 stories to his death.

the bartender calmly walks over and shuts the window and returns to the bar. he then turns to the man and says "your an asshole, superman".

 

How many ska punks does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to drop the old one on the floor and the other to PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP!