Jokes

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 16, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the School Finals in front of a crowd of about 15000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and......... '

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a perfect cunt?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

 

how many country and western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? 5 one to change it and four to sing about how good the old one was

 

http://www.tightrope.cc/jokes.htm

wow

 

A flea goes up to the bar and asks for a large whiskey.
The barman a little surprised to see a flea at the bar, asks "what brings a flea into here, we don't get many of your sort around these parts".
The flea starts moaning about how crap his life is.
"See that group of bikers over there" he says, "well see that fat hairy one in the corner ?", the barman nods, "well see that hairy beard, that's my home and its disgusting" continues the flea.
"He doesn't wash, his breath stinks, and where I sleep is surrounded by bits of food and beer stuck in his beard, and it's really getting me down".
The barman pours him another drink and turns back to the rest of his customers.
Shortly the barman comes back to the flea with an idea.
"Take a look down the far end of the bar my friend and your problem is solved".
The flea looks puzzled. "Well if I were you" continues the barman, "I'd have a look at those 2 young ladies", he says gesturing towards 2 fit girls at a table, wearing short skirts and not much else besides.
"Now I'm sure if you were to hop up one of those long legs, when you reach the top, you'll find somewhere comfortable".
The flea thanks him for the advice, and is soon forgotten.

About the same time the following night the flea is back.
The barman takes him a drink and asks the flea if he followed the advice he gave.
"Well there's a funny thing" replied the flea, a look of complete bewilderment on his face. "I did. As you suggested I hopped straight up one of those long smooth hairless legs, only to find paradise at the top."
"It was wonderful, clean, well-trimmed, fresh and sweet-smelling and before long I fell into a deep sleep, the like of which I haven't had in a long long while".
"But what I can't understand is that when I woke up this morning, I found myself back in the hairy bikers beard!"

 

2 punks walk into a bar, you'd think the second one would at least have ducked...

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'





'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'





'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.'

 

At sunset a cowboy rode up to a bar and walked in. "One whiskey and two two small fucking green cucumbers!" he shouted at the bartender and the bartender gave him a whiskey and two small fucking green cucumbers. The cowboy drank the whiskey and then he shoved the cucumbers in his ears, went out and rode off.
The next evening the same cowboy came back. He walked in and shouted "One whiskey and two small fucking green cucumbers!" He got his whiskey and his cucumbers, drank the whiskey, shoved the cucumbers in his ears and rode off.
The third evening the same thing happened again, and when the cowboy had again rode off with cucumbers in his ears the bartender thought to him self he had to figure out why he did this. So when the cowboy the fourth evening in a row came in to the bar shouting "One whiskey and two small fucking green cucumbers!" the bartender replied "We're out of small fucking green cucumbers."
"You have raddishes?" the cowboy asked.
"I sure do" said the bartender.
"Then give me one whiskey and two raddishes!" the cowboy shouted.
The bartender gave him the whiskey and the raddishes, and the cowboy drank the whiskey and shoved the raddishes in his ears. Just as he was about to get out the door the bartender couldn't take it any more. "Why the fuck did you shove raddishes in your ears?!" he screamed.
"Cos you're out of small fucking green cucumbers!"

 

more of a riddle:

if con is the opposite of pro
then what is the opposite of progress?

 

Congress!

 

Last night I was lying on my bed at a mate's place, looking at the night sky.... then I wondered... WTF HAPPENED TO THE ROOF?

 

Glaswegian ned strutting down the street with his brand new white trainers on and only one lace tied .
His mate says , "Here ya dobber , one of your laces is undone , by the way .!"
The ned says , "Aye , man , its the new style , so it is , the sticker on the sole says Taiwan !"


Archaeologists have discovered a book in Dublin that has been missing since the 1700s.


It's called IRISH DANCING PART 2 ................WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR ARMS .



Paddy and Mick are at the morgue to identify Seamus's body that's badly burnt .
Paddy goes first , looks over the body then turns it over and inspects the bum .
Paddy sys , "That's not Seamus ."
Mick goes next , looking at the body and then turning it over to check the bum ,
"Right enough , thats not him ."
Doc , "How can you be sure ?'
Paddy says , "Well every time we went out together folk would say 'Here comes Seamus with the two arseholes !!!"

 

some hippies, punks and skinheads live in a house. One morning, the building burns : who survived ?





the skinheads : they were at work !!!!

 

A duck walk's into a bar and orders a pint. The barman serves him and thinks "Wow a talking duck... In my pub!"

The duck orders another pint and the barman says: "What brings you here?"

The duck replies and says: "I'm doing a job here I'm a builder."


The duck becomes a regular at the pub and one night a circus ringmaster came in. He ordered a pint and the barman says: "I've got an idea for a new act for you. A talking duck comes in here ebvery day at 5pm come here tomorow and meet him!"

The ring master says Ok.

The next day the duck and the ringmaster come in and meet. After a while he sees them shake hands and the ringmaster left.

"How did it go?" said the barman.

"Great" said the duck."But I'm not sure what a circus want with a brick layer!"

 

A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." he dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a ife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

 

i won't even try hahaha yall, no really hahaha.

 

Q: How many punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two! One to change the bulb and another one to smash the old one on their forehead.

 

So a punk walks into a bar after an incredibly rough day.
he sits down and is about to order a drink when he realizes he's lost his money.
Angered, he's just about to get up to leave when the guy next to him turns and says
"Hey man, you look like you've had a pretty rough day. Lemme buy you a drink"
"Oh, shit, thanks man, I really appreciate it" the punk says.
So the guy buys him a drink and they start shooting the shit.
After a while the guy says "you know man, I like you, let me buy you another round"
The punk obliges him. After 5 drinks the two are pretty drunk.
Laughing, the punk turns to the guy and says:
"Thanks man, I really appreciate this, I've had a really rough fucking day, you have no idea, I lost my beer money and that was all I had to look forward today. You're a good guy and I don't know how I could repay you.
Suddenly serious, the man leans in really close to the punk and whispers "Well hey, how about a blowjob?"
The punk, horrified, punches the man off his barstool, grabs him by the collar and drags him outside.
After a beating the shit out of the guy, the punk grabs what's left of his money, goes inside, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
"Hold on now, I'm not giving you shit til you tell me what all that was about" The bartender says.
The punk shrugs and replies "I don't know, something about a job."

 

A man comes back from the amazon with a Cock Sucking Tree Frog and gives it to his wife. She asks, What exactly am I supposed to do with that? He says, Teach it to cook, then fuck off!


I got mugged yesterday. I was walking along, minding my own business, when this guy just ran straight into me from behind! It knocked me a bit and I stumbled and tripped. He then jumped on my head, stole my gold ring and just ran off at full speed! If anyone sees a blue hedgehog with red trainers on could you beat the sh*t out of him for me?


I was walking home on my own yesterday and got started on by 4 massive geeysers. Managed to knock one out.............
wasn't the best time for a wank but it could of been my last!

 

Some hedonistc light bulb jokes:

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?

How many Asatruars does it take to change a light bulb?
21. One to hold the light bulb, 20 to drink until the world spins.

How many wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One for each direction.

 

Here comes a dorky Descartes joke that my awesome humanities teacher told me:

Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender walks up to him and says, “Would you care for a drink?”

Descartes replies, “I think not.” and disappears